What would James Bond do?

For any of you chaps that have ever watched Oprah (oh, just admit it!), you may have noticed the debut of that terrifying phenomenon, metrosexualism. Cue crash of lightning and ominous roll of thunder.

Okay, now before you all bolt for the door; sit down, take a breath and read further because I am about to totally demystify this whole concept for you. Not only that, but I guarantee that by the end of all of this you'll wonder just why you didn't go in for it in the first place.

Let's begin then.

Metrosexualism at its finest
Firstly, no matter what anyone's told you, metrosexual does not mean you're a sissy. Granted, programmes like "Queer eye for the Straight Guy" and people like Nataniel and Michael Mol make this a hard one to wrap your mind around, but it's true and I'll prove it. By introducing you to the world's greatest metrosexual: James Bond.

Yup, good old Double-Oh Seven, Mr "Licence To Kill" himself. He's suave, sophisticated, well-groomed, knows how to dress and is capable of killing a man with his bare hands in a twinkling of his sexy, steely eye. Call Sean Connery a sissy; I dare you.

In 'Goldfinger', Bond (played by Connery) can tell you the bottling year of a whisky, beat a cheat at golf, make love to Pussy Galore and still save the United States from a fiscal disaster of epic proportions. All the while remaining clean-shaven, well-dressed and smooth like his accent. That, my friend, is metrosexualism at its finest.

Secondly, being a metrosexual doesn't mean you have to wear pink... or lime or strawberry or any other colour that sounds like it should be eaten or have a bet placed on it at four to one odds. Bond only ever wore dark tailored suits. Granted, there was that stage where he wore a pastel blue safari suit, but the late seventies was a bad time for everyone.

Do the words "Saville Row" mean anything to you? Bond had all his suits made there by the finest tailors in Her Majesty's kingdom. Your mission: find a tailor.

Even if you're not a suit and tie man, get him to take your measurements and give you his advice on what lengths you should be wearing and what colours would look best on you. Clothes make the man after all. A great deal of Bond's authority came from the fact that he always looked the part. Whether in a dinner jacket or a kilt, Bond managed to look effortlessly elegant and comfortable; and by changing his underwear and his socks daily.

You do shave, right?
The idea behind metrosexualising your wardrobe is to help you enhance and improve your physical assets. It doesn't mean you have to primp and preen and prance around like a ponce... unless you really want to that is. Finally, being a metrosexual doesn't mean you have to buy toners, cleansers or anything that will help you 'discover the goddess within'.

You do shave, right? Well, there are plenty manly shaving products on the market. Give them a try and you'll wind up with less in-grown hairs. Science (well, high school actually) has proven that the proportion of smooches you get is inversely proportional to the amount of chawbs sprouting out of your mug. You should also try washing your hair more than once a week with something other than soap. If you're really daring maybe you'll try a conditioner. There's no point in trying to flirt with Miss Moneypenny when you smell like the inside of the Blue Bulls locker-room post-match.

Metrosexualism is simply a guidebook for those of us who would like to be a little more popular with the ladies. Think of it as classified information from deep within the annals of 'What women want' Ñ For your eyes only. You'd be amazed at what a fresh look can do for your social life; and if you're already spoken for, your partner's reaction will be worth the effort.

One last piece of advice for all you aspiring metrosexuals: whether it's deciding which fork to use to eat your salad or trying to find that little-clasp thingy on a bra in the dark, when in doubt, just remember the metrosexual motto: "What would James Bond do?"

© 2006 Amod Munga